Seriously. I can't think of a single aspect of my life that isn't hopping with events (or, at least, thought-nudges). Things are in a holistic state of continual happenings.
Six-week classes have turned me into a dutiful student. No, seriously, I'm actually doing assignments as they come and hiding out in my room during movie nights to study and... being responsible and working ahead. Procrastination has gone out the window (I did splurge on 43 pages of Chesterton last week. The flesh could care less, but the spirit was all-too willing to take that detour). Crazy how things get done when I take the time to do them. Boom. Life never fails to surprise.
Consequently, I've been a horrible friend, sister, daughter... there is simply too much going on for me to possibly fill everyone in on everything. I've purposefully avoided all methods of online chat because... well... I can't work and chat at the same time. I don't have it in me. The stereotypical feminine-multitasking-unit is lacking from my system. (The truth revealed...) Even if I see you and talk to you, I probably fixate on one or two things, and ninety percent of anything worthwhile goes unsaid. I'm afraid this is probably true of the scant numbers of emails I have sent, and will definitely be true of this post.
There are a few thoughts springing out of all this that I (for reasons unknown to the annals of mankind) have chosen to fixate on tonight. The first is my own unworthiness. I've been so productive. I've been so diligent. For the first time in my life, I half-resemble a model student. I've been a student for fifteen or sixteen years. What took me so long?
Let's make a grand leap of utterly groundless assumptions and say that I've had fifteen years of good studentship. Suppose I've been amazingly diligent and not procrastinated one iota of those fifteen years. What could I say of myself? I would be an unworthy servant even then, because I had only done my duty - all things, as unto the Lord, with a readily cheerful attitude, in submission to the wills of my parents and teachers. Instead - procrastinator, twenty years running. My worthys are in the negatives.
So I take all this productivity with a grain of salt - the best, most potent salt there is. I take it with the Gospel, and I realize that the productivity does very little for me. I wonder how quickly time is running out for me to avail myself of the means of grace, to pray, to fight temptation... there are certain spiritual disciplines that are exclusive to life in a fallen world. Have I availed myself of the opportunity to exercise those with diligence - not because they are my tickets to heaven, but because heaven is coming fast, and the opportunity to live as a citizen of heaven on earth is running out? Yes? Unworthy servant, only doing your duty! Saint and daughter, fall on Christ. Have I failed utterly to even want to exercise these? Unworthy, wretched woman that I am! Saint and daughter, fall on Christ.
The second thought is how tired I am. I tried putting in a few nights at work last week. It wasn't too bad. I'm going to try again this weekend. Nevertheless, these things take their toll. The press to complete tasks and achieve and anticipate every little detail in work and school is wearing me down. Even my nights are no longer sacred to rest. (That's okay, because there's really only one day in the week I would venture to call sacred, and it's not necessarily for the purpose of literal rest, per se, although that has its place.) My eating schedule has slipped, and I'm suddenly prone to grouchy phases (read: low blood sugar levels) at odd times in the day because I've forgotten about food. Gaaah! Scriptural basis for unworthy servantship aside, I don't know when I've ever been more diligent and on top of things and yet felt they were so completely out of my control.
Well, yes, I do. First year of nursing school, first day of clinicals, when I thought I'd botched the whole day and made a mess of things. Driving to the hospital, swallowing down the urge to vomit, and reminding myself over and over again that the catechism-phrase glorify God and enjoy him forever had to meet the road as rubber some day and obliterate this desire to glorify Anna and enjoy myself forever. Or, as one functioning under divine inspiration said, He must increase and I must decrease. It is inevitable. God grows; Anna shrinks. That's what my life is about.
So there - I'm tired, and I'm a tiny bit on edge, and I really wish I weren't trying to swallow all of this right now - but whether I manage to shoulder this schedule or not is irrelevant. The point is, I can't blame the tiredness. I can't blame the school schedule or the work schedule. If I am so far from being gruntled that I am disgruntled, it is because I am discontent. If I am discontent, it is not because I am weak and can't take it anymore; it is because I am not willing to love God's strength, to delight in His glory. I must decrease...No, if I am discontent, it is because the feet of this shadow have not yet learned to bear such harsh realities.
Saint and daughter, fall on Christ.
Thanks for taking the time to write this Anna. I can certainly relate to some of what you're going through. The solution is to find balance - between work, social life and God (not necessarily in that order). The difficulty is exactly where to place the fulcrum to attain that balance. To that I'm still seeking the answer.
"I've purposefully avoided all methods of online chat because... well... I can't work and chat at the same time. I don't have it in me. The stereotypical feminine-multitasking-unit is lacking from my system."
You're not the only female to suffer from this. It's a struggle I've encountered ever since joining chat. (Just so you know you're not alone.)
I pray you'll figure out where to place the fucrum, and ask you pray the same for me.
God bless
Ajnos >'.'<