this marks the twentieth Valentine's Day I will spend as a single person.

As I expressed in a conversation with Jenny a little while ago, although I have never been 'in love,' I do not feel as though I have never loved or been loved. Sometimes I think a person's feelings are even more sensitive to the joys and presence of that love and affection that drenches each of the relationships in life, simply because love is something bigger and better than simply a guy and a girl drawing hearts on a foggy windowpane or carving initials on a tree. Love is two people laying down their lives for each other, in whatever ways their context demands. I see this every day in the ways my parents, my sisters, my brothers, my peers, my mentors, my church family interact with and give to and receive from me. I am surrounded by people who love me and are willing to receive my love in return. The only reason I might have to be sorry for singleness is if I equivocate being single with being alone. 

Today was a beautiful day. When I went out between seven and eight this morning for my run, it was already forty-four degrees (which, considering some days last week it didn't get past twenty, is balmy). There was a lovely cool breeze, and the sun's rays were veritable beams... I ran, and my muscles ached, and my lungs burned, and I knew in an almost palpable sense that I was alive. Oh, and to be alive is to be never alone, for yet evermore I am with thee, thou holdest me by my right hand... Surely, on a holiday where symbols and tokens of affection are valued so highly, I can appreciate this truth: when I run (walk, sit, stand...), the God of heaven and earth and all eternity, the One who is infinite, eternal, and unchangeable, in being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice, goodness, and truth, is holding my hand. For a human to hold a human's hand, the gesture is but a shadow of some meaning - selfless love, closeness, companionship - which the persons involved are only able to accomplish imperfectly. But when Perfect Love and Perfect Holiness holds my hand, all the implications of closeness and counsel and lives laid down are perfectly accomplished for me. If the sight of a guy and a girl holding hands makes me blink back tears and look away, it isn't because I regret the lack thereof in my own life - it is because I am suddenly overwhelmed by the fact of how God has given me that - and yet that greater, that more completed, perfected, satisfying.

Let's be realistic here - and let's figure out what realistic really is. Is a physical hand holding mine real? Yes - in a sense. But the person holding my hand can only accomplish so much of what he intends. When God holds my hand - as he does evermore - that, I would say, is more real than physical touch. Everything he promises by it will be and has been accomplished in Christ. So let's deal in realities - let's celebrate what's really real. Are the relationships of this life what is ultimately real, or do they shadow The Relationship - the union between God and man, the marriage between Christ and his Bride? I am not single - and I am not alone - because of the presence of God, and because I am a member of a Body, which means I have a husband and a marriage feast and glorious fellowship for all eternity.

There is something ultimately unsatisfying about this celebration.
 

The idea of having one day in the year where you show that 'significant other' in your life how much you love him or her has almost always seemed a little silly to me, even after it wasn't just the idea of a significant other that seemed silly. Quite simply... my reaction is... only one day? I would hope that someday, spontaneous or planned expressions of appreciation and love for some other person would simply flow out of a heart full of affection for that person. (This stickles with me for Father's/Mother's day, also.) And if that's just happening naturally, I don't see why we should have this hyped up day where everybody suddenly pretends that red hearts and flowers are what make them believe they are loved. Planning to show how much you appreciate someone? Spontaneously doing something extravagant for someone special? Sure. But honestly - it would be more meaningful (to me) if that was something unique to each relationship. What if Christmas and Easter were the only days when God reminded us of his love for us, or the only days we praised him for that love and set our hearts toward reflecting it? No - every week, on Sunday, there is a planned time of worship, because we need to keep coming back to it, keep practicing it, keep being immersed and showered with the love of God... and then, in between Sundays, it isn't as if he ever lets us forget - whether through his Word, explicitly, or more subtly in the events of our lives.

At the same time - it understandably promises satisfaction, even if it doesn't fulfill that promise. It promises something it cannot give; something only Jesus can. Can I make fun of people for following after that promise? ...no. It is heart-breaking and hopeful at once; people chase Valentine's Day - my own heart gives a tug of longing for that something - because they want what can only be found in Jesus. The tragedy is that they are looking someplace else - yet they are so very close...

Again, I reiterate: I am not sorry to be single. 
 

There is so much going on in my life - fellowship as a member of a Body who is the Bride of Christ, a union which can never be broken or diminished or made anything less than perfectly eternal and eternally perfect. I am one of ten in a family that mirrors that love so strongly, though imperfectly. My church family is snug and wonderful; my adopted-family is lovely and lavish in their affection. I feast on God's gospel every Sunday; his mercies are new every morning. Even when I am being broken down, it is only that Christ may be magnified all the more in the eyes of myself and others. If there is something silly or unsatisfying about Valentine's Day, it must be because much is being made of human love, when much should be made of Christ's love. And really - which is truly love? As Andrew Peterson sings:

Love is not a feeling in your chest. 
It is bending down to wash another's feet. 

'This new command I give you:'

he says 'Love as I have loved...'
 

Love as he has loved. That's a pretty tall order, and Valentine's Day can't cut it. This isn't really a diss at relationships or Hallmark's way of making them trite (it does). It's simply another example of human nature reaching out for God's standard - and falling woefully short. Yay! Reach! It's good to have high ambitions. Tell someone you love that you love them! Send those cards - give those hugs - eat that chocolate (only be sure to share it, of course). 

If Valentine's Day is really about Love, then it must be about Jesus.
 

It's not rocket science. Most five year old Sunday school classes could tell you as much. Yes, strive to imitate the love of God - but realize what you're reaching for. Send those cards, give those gestures, but reach farther still. Don't stop today. Lay down your life for them, day after day. Don't limit this to a significant other, literal or hypothetical. Give up your pride, your prerogatives for that obnoxious sibling, that lazy coworker, that misunderstanding parent or teacher. Deny yourself the right to be justified in the eyes of someone. This is the true celebration of Love.

I have Jesus. 
 

This is the root of why I am not sorry to be a single, why singleness doesn't mean aloneness, and why describing myself as 'single' is really a half-reality (which is no reality at all). I have Jesus. Or, perhaps more accurately, He has me. That's not to say there's no point or attraction to getting married. The joy and satisfaction in my singleness comes from Christ, and I don't expect that to change when I am (hypothetically) married. I don't look forward to 'A Relationship' and marriage because of celebrating Valentine's Day with someone; I look forward to celebrating Christ and going 'further up and further in' through sweet, close fellowship with another human.
 

Safe?! Of course he isn't safe! But he's good.

Valentine's Day doesn't make relationships beautiful; Jesus does. Mind, you're safer going with Valentine's Day. Restricting love to pretty cards and candy on one day of the year is safe. But Jesus doesn't make relationships safe; he makes them beautiful. As his wisdom seems like folly to the world, I think often his beauty is the world's ugliness. It's messy and complicated and full of hard things like sin and grace, and not at all pretty and covered in pink and red hearts. But it's good, and it's real, and a thousand times more good and real than a thousand paper cards and holidays. 

He is my portion evermore. 

May I never confuse the shadows of love for the real thing - Almighty God, who is Love unending and overflowing, Love bending and breaking and twisting and shaping and making All Things New. May I never see my life as empty or barren, when it is brimming over with the life and presence of this God who fills the hungry up with good things. Dear Jesus, forgive my thanklessness, and may I never cease at once to hunger for and be satisfied in you.

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