"What bread is to the hungry, clothing to the naked, the shadow of a great rock to the traveller in a weary land, such is Jesus Christ to us..."
It wasn't anything serious. I gave some nice old guy a smile as I was cashiering for him, and he responded by saying something to effect of, "Well, you're happy - I guess your boyfriend must've kissed you goodbye last night." (Yes, some people have not nearly enough shame.) I tend to think of myself as a naturally happy person and I'd rather people think I'm just chipper about life in general (which is true) than pondering last night's alleged (and totally nonexistent) 'rendezvous.' Naturally, I shrugged it off and smiled and remained Serene and Aloof from the egging. Um, no, duh. In my typically blah-blah-mouthed fashion, I offered the protest: "...I don't have a boyfriend!"
Yeah, Anna, that'll get the job done. Change the subject nicely. Not. It spiraled into a bit of good-natured ribbing about how I was just in denial, and ooh, look, I was blushing, so there was a guy et cetera... I didn't mind all that, because he wasn't being mean or inappropriate, but when it began to dawn on him that no, I seriously did not have a boyfriend, the next question was (albeit jokingly): "Well, what's wrong with you?"
DETOUR: This is something I just don't get about our culture. Although the guy meant it in fun, most people just assume that, for a young, college-aged woman, having a boyfriend makes you normal and healthy and something. I don't have a guy at this stage in my life, so something must be wrong with me. Oh, but let's be very clear on something else, too: my life is ruined and backwards because I don't have a boyfriend. But if I were to meet someone and marry him and start a family, then - oh, what a waste! All that potential down the drain.
But I'm not interested in a casual relationship, not ultimately, and a more serious relationship wouldn't ruin things, but it's just not happening. I don't want a guy to wear around like a bracelet and throw into my conversations to assure people that I'm a normal, well-rounded person. If I need to accessorize, I'll go look for something at Claire's. I won't play into the idea that a casual relationship would fulfill me any more than I will the notion that commitment to the creation and growth of a new family somehow reduces me to an unfulfilled nobody. END DETOUR. (I did manage to refrain from throwing all that in the man's face... so maybe my blah-blah-dom is not quite so fixed and hopeless. Right...)
But there was something beyond the fact of "I smile like this every day" that made that poor guy's question ridiculous. This brings us to last night's chick-flick. Sweet Home Alabama: funnier than it should be, and all about a guy and a girl (No. Seriously.) and somehow the girl winds up with the right guy and booyah, it's all heart-heart-in-the-rain and they get to dance to Sweet Home Alabama at the end. Wow. I really didn't see that last one coming.
And I'll admit: as ready as I am to point out the cheesiness and silliness and generally unrealistic qualities of such a flick, it (like many others) left me feeling a bit down. As ready as I am to say all that about commitment and not wanting a casual relationship, underneath all that goofiness there's something that I want and don't have. Those feelings of let-down tend to spiral into sessions of self-loathing and beration and general discontent.
But by God's infinite mercy, I picked up my little copy of Spurgeon's Morning and Evening and read the evening portion for the day. I was on the brink of dissolving into a puddle of discontented goo and I don't even remember what it was on now. I rather sulked through that one, I confess, and my mind was not fixed. Since I can't resist spoilers, I peeked (out of habit more than interest) at the next morning's reading. It was a verse from Song of Solomon: I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. Before many of my readers flee in haste ('I thought it was bad enough when she started out on the topic of relationships, but Song of Solomon is the LIMIT!'), Spurgeon's opening words caught my eye:
Such is the language of the believer panting after present fellowship with Jesus, he is sick for his Lord. Gracious souls are never perfectly at ease except they are in a state of nearness to Christ; for when they are away from Him they lose their peace.
How quickly I forget who I am and what that means! I am not a girl, or a college girl, or an American girl: I am first and foremost Christ's. Whatever true hurt there is in me for fulfillment through relationship, to say that that means I ultimately just want a boyfriend is absolutely wrong. It is not only contrary to my heart and will, it is the opposite to who I am and what I am made of - my very nature. And yet that is what I, in my discontented reaction to the girl-movie, try to tell myself - that I am lonely for something else. Isn't that all sin? "Give me anything but Jesus! Let me need and love and cherish anything - anything but Jesus!" But I am Christ's. I am a new creature. If I hurt from loneliness, it is not because I don't have a man. No, I am Christ's, and I am lonely and hurting because Jesus hasn't come back yet, and I long for his presence.
I read on, riveted: 'Blessed are they that do hunger and thirst after righteousness'; and therefore, supremely blessed are they who thirst after the Righteous One. Blessed is that hunger, since it comes from God: if I may not have the full-blown blessedness of being filled, I would seek the same blessedness in its sweet bud-pining in emptiness and eagerness till I am filled with Christ.
That's when I remembered: the next day (today) was communion Sunday. And that's when the glorious weight of it all came spilling down on top of me. Yes, I was horribly, terribly lonely for full fellowship with my Lord and Savior; yes, I was sinful and deceitful and foolish, trying to misappropriate that longing for Christ to a longing for a relationship with a human being; yes, I was hungry - more than that, starving - for the companionship and guidance and presence of Jesus Christ - but God fills the hungry up with good things, and the very next day I would feast at His table! Surely I could endure the blessed, wretched state of being hungry for a few short hours - and count it blessed! - knowing that there was a banquet on the other side. And if I could endure hours waiting for that small taste of heaven, how much more should I not be able to endure years looking ahead to the Real Thing?
All this context rolled about my mind as I grinned back at that (nice?) old guy and gave him his change and bade him have a nice day. He left convinced that I was smiling because some boy had made me happy, even informing the next customers of this fact. I don't think he realized how wrong he was - or how right. Because Some Guy had shown me quite recently how much he loved me, and it did make my smile that much brighter. He isn't just Some Guy, and he didn't hug me or kiss me, but he gave himself that I might be satisfied, and then - "this do in remembrance of Me." The picture of the Son of Man through the dark glass becomes a little brighter. How can I eat at that Table and not be content? Jesus is enough. This isn't a lame excuse of an ugly girl who can't get a guy to like her. Jesus is enough. Yes, I want to get married some day. But - Jesus is enough. This is life, whether some guy comes along or not - and if he does, my prayer and hope is that I love him first and always for what I see of Christ in him. The way to practice this is not to start scoping out guys and finding the godliest, but to love my Jesus more and more and more and to realize that to taste of Him in this life is to know how much I hunger for him still more. But - blessed are they who hunger and thirst!
So - no, Mr. Pesky Old Man, there's nothing wrong with me. Jesus hasn't come back yet - that's the world's problem and the world's grace. I'm not waiting for the right man to happen along; there's only one Right man, and he has already sought me out and found me. May I live my life in the blessed state of hungering after his return, as a teeny-tiny member of his glorious Bride, and one day may I find that, as Spurgeon says:
If Christ thus causes us to long after Himself, He will certainly satisfy those longings; and when He does come to us, as come He will, oh, how sweet it will be!
Or, as Psalm 34 puts it:
O, taste and see: the Lord is good!
Gyah, pesky old men are WEIRD. Nice old men are...nice, but pesky old men are freaky.
But that wasn't the point of your post.
I read yesterday's passage of 'Morning by Morning,' too, and though it didn't affect me in the exact same way it did you, it did really strike me. The passage you quoted about thirsting for righteousness was so lovely, and something that I hadn't thought of before; because sometimes I feel like I'm not thirsting for righteousness, and that section reminded me that when I thirst for Christ, I'm thirsting for righteousness - and I'm sure of being filled.
So that's a bit of a sidetrack from what you were saying, but I thought I would share it, since we're on the same passage in our reading. And that was a very beautiful and encouraging post, Anna, so thanks for sharing it. ^.^ Love you!
Amazing how self-centered our culture is, isn't it? And it's even more incredible how easily contagious all that self-centeredness is. I've been finding myself in a very discontented state of mind recently. I'm not quite sure what it is exactly, I think it's got something to do with school being a bit sluggish and having no one really but myself around these days what with Ruth gone all day. But, you're right, that ultimately, we're longing for Christ.
I've found Him a very faithful and constant companion these last few days. And it's so true, that family comes and goes, friends stay and leave, and even spouses eventually pass away. But Christ is always there, always has been, and always will be. And to put the Lover of our souls beneath any other priority of ours is to diminish His grace and glory.
I'm glad I wasn't there when that nosy old man was talking to you, I would have had a few things to say to Him.
Never forget that you're beautiful and I love you and miss you!
You sound angry at first, friend, and I am too. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for the reminder--an area of my life that I try so hard to sweep under the rug so that I don't have to deal with how discontent I am!
Honestly, I don't have a boyfriend either and I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with me, so how could there possibly be anything wrong with you? ;) That blatant fact made just a little more blatant, you certainly don't need anyone to remind you that you're just perfect in your imperfection - just exactly as God would have you, and moreover just exactly where and when He would have you - just as you are. Based on your writing, my guess is that a large percentage of humans might agree with God if they met you, or at least they'd find you passably likable...maybe,...I mean, hey, it's a guess based on text, right? If you run around starting genocidal wars or hating pizza and ice cream or something equally ludicrous, well then there's really not much I can do for you. ;)
Nice post, Inky. It would have been interesting (maybe "overwhelming" would say it better, or, OK, maybe better still it could be said with "terrifying") to "listen in" on the inner workings of your mind during the white hot second that processed the old man's comment. Wow; the man is lucky to have walked away with any eyebrows, what for the flash and all. FOOOM! It must have been the smile that shielded him from a clean singing. Hopefully, he was headed to a restaurant with a smoking section....
You people make me laugh. :)