Going through old things, I found a picture of myself--roughly age seven or eight--with hands held proudly aloft, each clutching a bright green walnut. I remembered how much my sisters and I loved those things. They were our all-purpose toys: balls, rations for runaway orphans, generic collectibles, gopher-hole-stoppers, you name it. We even used the green rind for a charming addition to various perfumes (mingled with grass and dirt, the results were stunning). An excess of playing with these led to another use: a striking, if unwanted, fashion statement. Those who played with walnuts were made like them--or at least made to wear the juice all over their hands and clothing, for once it sank into the latter it rarely came back out.

Going through old things, I've found so much stuff that, like the walnuts in Newman, I left behind. Many of them were sweet and full of promise in my hands, laden with rich meat. But like the walnuts in Newman, I held onto them a while and then set them aside - and all that sticks with me now are indelible blots on my hands and clothes. I've thrown away the satisfying part, and all I've got are the bitter-smelling stains to show for it.

Jesus, I know you washed the blood of my angry, shameful nature from these hands. Could it be that your mercy extends even to the mundanities of my foolish, girlish vanity? Could it be that you came not only to wash away the blood, but to cleanse me of the walnut stains as well?

Forgive me this post. I'm afraid it's rather bittersweet...like the walnuts in Newman.

[This has been Life's Soundtrack - Ep. 04: Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real]

4 Missages

1. Danielle Carlson on August 6, 2010 at 12:58 PM

   It's strange how contradictory I can be sometime. While I hate that immature side of myself that I'm forever trying to leave behind, at the same time, I find myself running back to it.
   
   It's good to stop and give the old house a cleaning. Thanks for the post! :)

    
2. MJC on August 8, 2010 at 7:55 PM

   This post makes that space in the middle of my chest (you know the one) twist like a piece of flavored liquorice candy. You know, the red kind that really doesn't taste at all like the word "cherry" on the label might lead one to believe. Thankfully, those walnuts - what they helped form you into, not just the stains - will be with you always. You never really set that aside.... It's part of you forever. :)

    
3. MJC on August 8, 2010 at 7:56 PM

   And welcome back, Inky. ;)

    
4. F,B, on August 13, 2010 at 9:49 PM

   Including those letters? *grin*
   
   Sorry for the levity--waiting for that redemption, too.