"I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."
That's my emotions right now. One moment, here I am, completely assured that what I am doing is the Right Thing, and then the next ... ashes, ashes, we all fall down.
As many of you may or may not know, I recently handed in my two weeks' notice for my night job (main source of income). I was relieved of my duties (so to speak) a few days later. It wasn't very pretty. There was nothing nasty said, but despite over a year of (I think) good service to someone I had come to love as family, as soon as I handed in my resignation I became a source of paranoia and worry (she thought I wouldn't come back to work), which prompted an earlier replacement than I expected.
It would be a lie to say I wasn't more than a little gutted over that. When I first said I would resign, I had quite a bit of assurance. It was time for a change, I thought, and the reasons for resignation were valid. But as soon as I got the official "don't come back," my thoughts went in a completely different direction. Hurt: I thought we were friends, I thought she found me trustworthy, I thought... Guilt: after all, I had initiated my resignation based on my own scruples. Maybe I got it wrong... maybe I'm being too persnickety... maybe I'm completely at fault here, I'm the ungrateful wretch, and she's right to hate me.
And I'm worried. There are so many questions that having that job took care of. Who's going to hire me next? When is a good time to start working again? Is there any way I'll be able to get a job that will pay enough for me to continue my anti-debt trek through college? How am I going to get enough hours of proper work to keep my certification? Et cetera...
My pastor preached on Isaiah 37 this morning, and in many ways I can see myself as a mini-Hezekiah, with the Rabshakeh of the kingdom of Unbelief pointing his finger at all the ways I fall short and deserve God's abandonment. I don't have the answers to all these questions and accusations. Two things I know: my God is good and faithful, and his promises are applied on the basis of a righteousness not of my own making. If God does radically change my life's direction, it is for a good and glorious purpose; if he doesn't radically change it, it is still for a good and glorious purpose.
Today, I didn't make a bunch of phone calls and get everything sorted out. I took all these questions and doubts, all my shrinking and all the confusing changes, and I spread them out before the Lord, the God of Israel, the one enthroned above the cherubim who alone is God of all the kingdoms of earth, who made both heaven and earth, who will save me from the hand of Unbelief working in circumstances.
I pray that, no matter how or when his arm stretches out in answer to my cry for salvation, it may be not for my own glory, but that all kingdoms of the earth may know: He alone is Lord.
"Who upholds the gorsedd if not You? Who counts the ages of the world if not You? Who commands the Wheel of Heaven if not You? Who quickens life in the womb if not You? Therefore, God of all Virtue and Power, sain us and shield us with Your Swift Sure Hand." (-Lawhead)
Be praying for you, too, friend. Think we need to have a long talk when I get back. :o)
That was mine....